everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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