I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
