I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
