I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
