Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
