I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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