Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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