I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
