Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
