After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
