I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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