hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
