Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Four minutes until I can fart!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
