I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
