I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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