Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he puts the penis in happiness.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
