That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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