My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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