Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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