I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
