That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
