did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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