Can i not drive my cunt home
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
