The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
