how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
