I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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