I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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