Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
