oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
