The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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