I cannot find my penis.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
