You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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