I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
