I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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