saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
