i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
