why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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