i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
