And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
