On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
im on a boat
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