I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
