At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
