Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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