I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Everclear isn't food dammit
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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