Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
dude. I can hear the air.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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