i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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