I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
