I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
