Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
