for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
