my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
