so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
