wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
