so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
