Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
